A Bridge to Somewhere
Living as a ward of the state, a 15-year-old mother holds little hope of raising her 8-month-old son. She loves him and doesn’t want him turned over to the state the way she was. She is still a child, with few alternatives and no resources. How will she keep him from the child welfare investigators, and from a life of poverty and want? We wonder.
Two children living with their mother in South Carolina are unexpectedly picked up by their father who brings them to Illinois without the mother’s permission. The father is arrested for kidnapping and incarcerated. It will be days before their mother can get to them. Should the children be turned over to state authorities? We wonder.
Another mother, whose fifth child is born the day of her husband’s funeral, has trouble managing her grief. She seems lost. Her depression deepens and her children are hungry. Will they see their mother smile again? Will they go to school like the other children? We wonder.
We are a part of the “village” these children are growing up in. Like all children, they need to feel safe and loved while their families heal and recover. This is the message, the cry, and the sounding alarm for an organization called Safe Families, a not-for-profit volunteer group offering parental support and refuge for children whose families are in crisis. The organization recruits strong families to act as extended family periodically and temporarily while wounded families seek solutions, or at least a plan. Some of these children have found safety and love in the homes of Barrington area residents.
The 15-year-old mother has never met Jennifer and Pete McAndrews of Fox Point in Barrington. They welcomed her son into their family this spring. As parents of six boys ages nine to 20, they have cared for several children through Safe Families since August of last year. “We love kids,” explained Jennifer. “It’s been a great experience for our family. We have grown in ways not possible had we not jumped in to help.” She is earnest in her efforts to make a difference. Yet, she is pragmatic. “Each experience has been different. We can’t always tie everything up in a nice package and make a great ending.”
She says that sometimes things can get messy. Her disappointment (in one mom’s progress) gave her reason to grow and not to judge. Parishioners of St. Anne Catholic Community, they and their children have participated in ministries in other states and cities, but now she and Pete are bringing it home. Pete believes learning about the plights of others is a good lesson for his children. They have responded by opening their hearts to these young strangers. They join in for games of patty cake and peek-a-boo. “We like playing with him. It’s fun,” says 14-year-old Matthew. Older brother, Michael, agrees. Third-grader, Kevin, being the youngest in the family, finally gets his chance to be a big brother. “I never got to pick anyone up before,” he says of his new role.
What Jennifer and Pete like about the arrangement is that they pose no threat to the biological parents. “These children are loved and wanted. Their parents maintain custody and can come and see them. We are here to help, that’s all.” When they needed some help – it had been awhile since they owned baby items – Safe Families offered items through their “Lending Closet.” Jennifer also emailed some neighbors. “I was overwhelmed by the generous response of my neighbors. We got everything we needed.”
Jennifer has journaled about her experience with the children (mostly babies) and creates photo books of their time together. “I want them to have a good beginning. This is a record of that for them.”
Tom Maluga, Director of Safe Families Chicago, says they look for families that show “compassion, service and generosity.” He is the person that state officials call to get a child placed with a family. “The state loves and supports us because we keep kids out of the child welfare system.” He said once a child enters the state system, it is hard for the parents to get them back. He knows of the conditions these children face. “Homelessness, neglect, substance abuse, domestic violence and mental health issues are some of the reasons children are referred to us.” And he knows there are few alternatives. Even homeless shelters won’t take children.
He Doesn’t Look Like You
Lake Barrington resident Beth Bach often gets the same question from friends who see her with a Safe Families child: “Did you adopt?” The mother of two patiently explains her role in the child’s life. “Our community has been so supportive of our being a Safe Family. I love the conversations that are started when people see us with a child that they know is not ours. It gives us the opportunity to share the vision of the program and encourage others to look into it for themselves.”
It is through friends’ word of mouth that the program is growing here. More than a dozen families are currently volunteering. Willow Creek Community Church and the Village Church of Barrington have active programs with Safe Families.
“It is a great opportunity to give back every day,” says Safe Families case coach Susan Vrenios. She said they get calls from hospitals, the Department of Child and Family Services (DCFS), biological parents who hear about the program through the media, and from churches – all asking for help. So far, they have been able to place all the children with host families, but the need keeps growing. Vrenios said that spring break, holidays and summer months are particularly hard to place children because families are traveling or have different schedules during those times.
There are no such breaks for the families in crisis. The Bachs and other volunteer families empathize with these parents. “Many of them are good parents who love their children but have hit hard times and just need some relief,” said Beth. The children are not taken from their home. Their parents must agree to this temporary placement and are encouraged to keep in contact with their children and their assigned Safe Families. “It’s not easy for the parents; they don’t choose who their child is placed with. They don’t know where we live and it takes a lot of faith from them to trust this organization,” Beth said.
Safe Families encourages parents to have weekly visits with their children. Either the host family or a case coach brings them to Lydia Home (Safe Families parent organization) for a supervised visit. “One mother met us at the Barrington Train Station. All four families that were watching her children met for a picnic. Having other Safe Families nearby is a blessing. It’s a gift to get to know them through this program,” said Beth.
Beth first obtained support from her own family, husband Greg, and children Parker, 13, and Peyton, 10, who loves her role as big sister. “It’s fun to have little kids in our home. I especially like one-year-olds because they don’t talk yet, but they still play with you.” Parker says it’s an easy experience. “The child gets a worry-free home while the family has more time to concentrate on their difficulties. Because it’s so easy, more people can do it.”
How the Safe Families program works
The average stay lasts six weeks, but time periods can vary from one day up to one year. The average age of a Safe Families child is four. Host families can request children by age and gender. “We have families who want only infants or only teens, and others who like every age in between,” said Vrenios. “We honor the host family request.”
She recommends that interested families call the Safe Families office in Chicago and ask for an application. A licensing specialist then contacts the family and does a home check. Fingerprinting is required for anyone in the family 18 years and older. There is some paper work to fill out and references are required. An online training course is available for host parents. Echoing Tom Maluga, director of Safe Families, Vrenios said the main requirement is compassion. “They should have compassion for families in need that may not look like them or share the same background.”
Safe Families makes it convenient to donate time or money through their website at www.safe-families.org. Vrenios says there are lots of ways to be involved including offering respite care for a host family. Participating churches in the area can also provide information. Jennifer McAndrews said it was only a matter of weeks from the time they applied to the time they had their first child. “It takes patience, love and attention. If you can give that, you are qualified,” she said.
A host family must also know how and when to say goodbye. “While sending them home is often sad, we remind ourselves that they need to be with their own families,” said Beth.
Jennifer understands her family’s limited role in the child’s life and wonders: “Will they hold the love in their hearts? I think so. I know I will,” she said.
The details and faces of these Barrington area families may fade from the memories of Safe Families children. Host families are a bridge, not the highway. They say they have space in their homes and in their schedules to help. Yet it is the room in their hearts that provides peace.
Learn more at www.safe-families.org or call Safe Families director, Tom Maluga, at 773-653-2240 and email chicago@safe-families.org.
Mary Klest is a Barrington-based writer and owner of Klest Communications, a content solutions company for businesses, online and print media. Visit www.maryklest.com.